True to myself - Lynn Fern

True to myself

I am angry.  Probably more angry than I’ve ever been in my life. I feel it seeping through every pore in my body and you know what it just plan sucks!  I hate the way I feel but I just can’t seem to get ahold of it.  My anger is directed towards any single person.  This is an anger that has no real direction. 

I lost my entire belongings and every single material thing I had worked for and when I say this I am speaking for my girls & my husband.  I know I’ve said it & many others have said it….it’s material things & they can be replaced.  Yup I know that and I do get it.  BUT, yes there is a but.  But, my Grandma’s Betty Crocker cookbook that is who knows how old that can’t be replaced. The canvas that everyone signed at our wedding that was matted over our wedding picture can’t replaced. I know it’s all material & a big part of me feels guilty. It’s a struggle daily that I go back & forth with myself over. I know people that barely have pots & pans, they may only have 1 pair of sneakers with holes in them, etc. But, I can’t feel guilty when I have worked hard and with that I purchased things that I wanted.  So in return I get angry for struggling with this.  Why is it so hard?

I spent endless back breaking hours at the house pouring blood, sweat & tears into turning the house into our home.  I refinished so many different pieces of furniture that went up into flames.  I painted walls & put love into my girls’ room.  I sat on the deck & painted on canvas & burlap.  I miss going there.  I know we will be going back & soon to start recreating.  Why is it so hard?

It is hard & I’ve remained strong for my girls.  But, I have built up anger. 

Doing the inventory has been draining me – emotionally, physically & mentally! Going to replace things has worn me out.  I love to shop but I’ve hated this kind of shopping.

I know that when my family & friends say to me “you get to build a new house” they say it with love, but that was my home & it hurts. 

Don’t get me wrong I am thankful & we have had so many blessings. I know there must be something good to come out of this. Right??

I flip flop so much on this is all going to be ok & excited about the plans on the new house.  I have no doubt in my mind that it is going to be “our home” because that’s what I do…I make where we are living “our home”.  But then it happens…I get sad, angry, & just sick to my stomach. I cry, I lash out & I completely shut down. 

It’s hard yo!! I know only time will heal our aching hearts, minds & souls but in the meantime I will do everything I can to chisel away at this anger.  I am hopeful that soon I will get to the core.
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