July 2012 - Lynn Fern

True to myself

I am angry.  Probably more angry than I’ve ever been in my life. I feel it seeping through every pore in my body and you know what it just plan sucks!  I hate the way I feel but I just can’t seem to get ahold of it.  My anger is directed towards any single person.  This is an anger that has no real direction. 

I lost my entire belongings and every single material thing I had worked for and when I say this I am speaking for my girls & my husband.  I know I’ve said it & many others have said it….it’s material things & they can be replaced.  Yup I know that and I do get it.  BUT, yes there is a but.  But, my Grandma’s Betty Crocker cookbook that is who knows how old that can’t be replaced. The canvas that everyone signed at our wedding that was matted over our wedding picture can’t replaced. I know it’s all material & a big part of me feels guilty. It’s a struggle daily that I go back & forth with myself over. I know people that barely have pots & pans, they may only have 1 pair of sneakers with holes in them, etc. But, I can’t feel guilty when I have worked hard and with that I purchased things that I wanted.  So in return I get angry for struggling with this.  Why is it so hard?

I spent endless back breaking hours at the house pouring blood, sweat & tears into turning the house into our home.  I refinished so many different pieces of furniture that went up into flames.  I painted walls & put love into my girls’ room.  I sat on the deck & painted on canvas & burlap.  I miss going there.  I know we will be going back & soon to start recreating.  Why is it so hard?

It is hard & I’ve remained strong for my girls.  But, I have built up anger. 

Doing the inventory has been draining me – emotionally, physically & mentally! Going to replace things has worn me out.  I love to shop but I’ve hated this kind of shopping.

I know that when my family & friends say to me “you get to build a new house” they say it with love, but that was my home & it hurts. 

Don’t get me wrong I am thankful & we have had so many blessings. I know there must be something good to come out of this. Right??

I flip flop so much on this is all going to be ok & excited about the plans on the new house.  I have no doubt in my mind that it is going to be “our home” because that’s what I do…I make where we are living “our home”.  But then it happens…I get sad, angry, & just sick to my stomach. I cry, I lash out & I completely shut down. 

It’s hard yo!! I know only time will heal our aching hearts, minds & souls but in the meantime I will do everything I can to chisel away at this anger.  I am hopeful that soon I will get to the core.

A little bit of this and a splash of that..

It’s Friday & we couldn’t be more thankful.  We’ve spent the last couple of weeks running around like crazy which I feel is only preparing us for the busy days that lay ahead for the next 6 – 8 months.  Last night it stormed & the wind, thunder & lightening that carried on during dinner time had our full attention.  Luckily we did not have any damage or lose electricity. 

We officially start demolition on Tuesday.  Whew!  I am tired of seeing the eye sore & I feel it will bring some closure.  I am ready to start fresh.  Our contractor dropped of the first floor set of preliminary plans.  I AM GETTING MY WALK IN PANTRY!!!!  I know the decisions in the next few months are going to drive me bonkers.  I like things with character, unique & to express personality. I never wanted to build a house..EVER!  I don’t like the pressure of having to pick out & make decisions like that.  This is going to be a test for sure. 

I received Katie’s form to sign her up for Pre-K.  I am sad, excited & nervous all at the same time.  My lovey is growing up & too fast.  It’s hard for me to let go 5 days a week.  On the other hand I like seeing the person she’s growing into & how much she’s making her own friends.

Shea has been going to the bigger school in the afternoon.  Currently she is in the baby center, but the last couple of times I’ve picked her up she’s been in Katie’s class.  They do that during the summer to start preparing them to move up.  She loves being with the bigger kids.

I have been working on the inventory of the contents that were in the fire.  It’s really not an easy thing to do.  I had packed a lot of the stuff months before we even started renovations.  I have a good memory but it’s been tough & to try to figure what something cost & when/where you bought it.  Someone once told me they had walked around their house & took pictures of the things they have.  I think I gave them a side eye as I walked away thinking it sounded a bit over the top.  Hmmm…I believe my mind has been changed. What are your thoughts?  Is it over the top or would you be okay with just trying to remember? 

I replaced my camera on Wednesday.  I have missed having my good camera.  I had a nice camera bag that I loved but feel I didn’t carry my camera out & about like I would’ve liked.  I am on the hunt for a nice transitional bag, something I could double as a pocketbook if I wanted/needed to.  I’ve also thought about just buying a nice handbag & making the padded inserts to protect the camera.  Anyone have suggestions or a camera bag you really like?

One thing that I’ve always loved doing was painting.  I love to paint walls, refinish furniture with paint & distressing.  I had really gotten back into it during renovations.  I found some really great pieces that I had finished & was working on a few others.  I couldn’t wait to incorporate them into the new house.  Of course they were all at the house.  I haven’t felt much like taking on any projects.  It is the one thing that has truly bummed me out every time I think about it.  I would scour papers for estate sales, make trips to our local Habitat for Humanity & spend endless hours at craft stores for a bargain.  I haven’t much felt like even looking for deals.  Today I painted!!  We have a piece of furniture that needs a face lift.  I started on it today and let me tell you…..it made me feel good.  I realize it is somewhat my therapy.  Guess I need to get the garage cleaned out so I can find some furniture to refinish!!!

Have a great weekend!!

Fern Avenue: Family, friends & acquaintances

Fern Avenue: Family, friends & acquaintances: Throughout the last month I’ve witnessed some of the best of the best random act of kindness.   It’s been a humbling experience ...

Family, friends & acquaintances

Throughout the last month I’ve witnessed some of the best of the best random act of kindness.  It’s been a humbling experience to say the very least.  Neither of us is very good at accepting things for free from anyone including friends & family or from complete strangers at that.  But, when devastation strikes people want to help.  Our group of friends & family is pretty damn awesome when it comes to stepping it up for one of their own…absolutely unbelievably amazing.  I can’t express how thankful & blessed I feel to have the group of friends & the family we have.  Each & every one of them in their own way has made sure we have felt the love, support, care, etc constantly.  There is just an unbelievable abundance of everything we could possibly ever need or want.  

I met our neighbor yesterday.  She is my mom’s primary doctor.  I had wanted mom to see her even before this because I had heard so many great things about her.  Well they were right!!! She’s truly a remarkable person & doctor.  The compassion shows through her eyes!  I let the appointment wrap up.  I had told mom that I wanted to get through the appointment to focus on her & what needs to be accomplished to get mom on a healthy track.  Towards the end of the appointment I felt my heart pound & my stomach started feeling sick.  My palms were sweating bullets.  I was heading into a full panic attack.  I knew I had to face this fear & introduce myself.  She went through what needs to happen now, what we need to have scheduled in the next few weeks & what we will go over at the next appointment.  We were at the end when she asked if there was anything else we needed to discuss. I just blurted out YES before my mind could catch up to my mouth.  I then said I just want to thank you.  She said “oh you are very welcome, it was my pleasure”.  I said no you see I want to thank you for calling in our fire.  I felt the burn in my eyes…my fear of crying was unstoppable.  She pulled out her phone.  And, we talked for a few minutes.  She then asked if I’d like to see a picture.  I was not prepared for what I saw.  I am still not prepared.  It is truly one of the most gut wrenching things my eyes have seen. The picture was taken around 1:55 am.  Her husband called the fire in at 1:54 am, and the fire chief & another firefighter got there at 2:00 am.  The chief was worried someone was in the house & they tried to go in the front door.  The front door is were the fire is roaring out to the left of the garage.  Seeing this picture makes more thankful we were not there...not sure if we would've made it out. I am also very thankful that there was no wind that morning seeing that we are surrounded by pine trees that are in between our house & theirs.  Their house is a wood house.  So much to be thankful for.  She agreed that I should go see someone & gave me a number to someone she recommends.  I am happy to have my mom seeing her…I know with every single piece of fiber in my body she will take care of her.  Her last words to us when we left “we are going to see you get through this”!

Today I conquered another fear of going to see the man we purchased the house from.  This man is such a kind man with a heart of gold.  He went through an extremely hard time over the last 2 years.  His story is heartbreaking but I believe in karma & what comes around goes around (he’s gonna have some pretty amazing things come his way..I know it)!! He put so much into this house & worked hard to do that.  I walked in where he works & waited…when I saw him my heart sank. He hugged me & we both cried. I felt a BIG weight lifted as we talked.  It was hard & I was in another full blown panic attack as I stood waiting for him.  As I left I cried because I felt the compassion & sorrow he felt for my family & I.  This was the home that he had raised his kids in, the house that we stood in the kitchen talking about renovations…he saw my excitement in my face that he had felt about that same very house.  

Life is hard sometimes and throws us some pretty amazing curve balls and takes us on journeys that we are not always prepared for, or for that matter think we are strong enough to handle.  I believe there is something big in store for us; there is a reason why this has happened.  We may never know what it is or why, but one thing I know for certain is I believe without a doubt this has & will continue to bring people in our lives that otherwise would not be in it.  I truly believe it has brought some very meaningful friendships/relationships closer & brought acquaintances to a friendship level. I believe there are people that come in & out of our lives for reasons…I just hope my eyes, mind & heart remains open to see the things that are meant to be.   

Our family & friends (& acquaintances) deserve to know you are appreciated & loved! We thank you from the very bottom of our hearts…without each of you we would not be getting through this with the grace we are carrying. 

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